how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
