I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
