I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
