okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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