I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
