So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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