You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
smell my finger.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
