I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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