I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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