I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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