I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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