I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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