I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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