The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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