I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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