You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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