The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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