i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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