she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
