Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Someone signed my nipple.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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