i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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