Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
