An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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