Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
