Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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