No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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