quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
