Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
