R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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