Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
did you just send me my own nude
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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