Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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