I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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