dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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