You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
