And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
