My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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