"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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