he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
