It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
