either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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