I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
