Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
