My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
