I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
