Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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