..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
