Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
