At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
