Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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