I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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