im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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