somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
