Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
