I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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